This guest post was contributed by Laura Petherbridge, The Smart Stepmom:
“My husband wants his children to come to our home for the normal visitation during this Coronavirus, but I don’t think it’s a good idea,” Stepmom Alayna stated.
“He has a complex medical history which includes heart and respiratory issues,” she continued. “I’m terrified he’s going to get the virus from his kids because at Mom’s house they have no social distancing guidelines, plus she works with seniors. His response to me when I brought it up was, ‘I’d rather risk my health and see my kids, than for them to think I don’t want to see them or that this isn’t their home too.’ I didn’t even know how to respond.”
Alayna is in a position many stepmoms are facing right now. Because none of us have lived though a pandemic before, most families are at a loss over what to do.
I am not an attorney, so I will not share legal advice.
But I have been a stepmom for 34 years. In that time, my husband and I have encountered more complex stepfamily issues than I can count. We frequently do not agree on what’s the best resolution; however, I have discovered that to maintain my sanity, peace of mind, and marriage, I must focus on the things I can control and let go of the things I cannot.
Because the virus falls under a rare category there is no “cookie cutter” answer for everyone. We must remember, “This too shall pass.” The decisions we make today during COVID-19 aren’t forever.
Dealing with High-Conflict Situations
Here are the ways I have learned to manage a high conflict situation.
These are my husband’s children. If he wants to see them, and the law allows it, then he should be able to do so. I am not his mother; I am his wife.
Choosing to see his kids does NOT mean he doesn’t love me, my kids, or the “ours” kids. It merely means he loves ALL his kids.
When I’m setting a boundary, I wait until I calm down.
I’m firm stating what I believe, but also kind. “Steve, I understand why you want to see your kids. And I never want to be the reason that you don’t see them. Can we discuss the pros and cons before you decide?”
I take my eyes off the other parent and the choices she is making. I CANNOT control what goes on in the other home. Repeat that to yourself several times—per second, minute, hour, or day—whatever is necessary. If the other parent is using this to manipulate visitation, let your partner deal with the ex.
If an ex has been high conflict in the past, do not expect this circumstance to cause an epiphany or change of heart. Lower your expectations.
Dealing with Coronavirus Concerns
Specific to COVID-19, if I feel my health or the health of my children is at risk, and my husband does not, I have one of two choices.
Ask him to see his kids in another location other than our home, or my kids and I can go to another safe location.
Being a stepmom is often extremely challenging and requires a lot of self-control.
I didn’t learn these steps quickly or easily. The driving force was the question, “Do I want to be right or do I want to have a home that’s peaceful and relaxing?”
That doesn’t mean I’m a doormat and I let people treat me badly. It means I’ve learned to discern when it’s wise to set a boundary with a consequence, and when to let it go.
What’s Best for Your Home
Only you can decide what’s worth the risk in your blended family home. There is no shame in protecting yourself or your kids.
If your spouse isn’t respecting your concerns, then that is a marriage issue, not a stepfamily issue. For that, I highly recommend professional help from someone who specifically specializes in stepfamily issues.
P.S. Here’s additional guidance for sharing custody and COVID-19.
So that is a tricky issue. How are you determining when it is disrespect and when it is just a disagreement? I have a situation that I think is disrespect, but I am not a professional. My boyfriend and I have completely different parenting styles and we are not able to work through conflict surrounding my kids and his kids. He sees my faults and he sees mine and our solutions to our respective problems are very different. I am about to call it quits, b/c he’s not open to therapy and I feel very disrespected. I can let the things with his kids go, but it doesn’t seem like he can. I guess this is why people wait until they are in their late 50’s to date again. I have stated and restated my concerns and reasons why I do what I do. At what point is that just disrespectful to not listen and keep pressing an issue? I have told him I have 1 foot out the door. I guess I need a coaching session…,lol!
Thanks for your website,
Tired
So sorry you’re feeling overwhelmed, friend. I’d be happy to meet with you over a coaching session. Communication can be so challenging; our partners often get defensive when it comes to their children, and it can be difficult to get to the root of the issue.
I have personally had a extremely hard time with this situation. As a Covid-19 nurse over in the UK. My partner and I live together and have done a few months prior to the pandemic. Once it all started and my own workplace went into isolation my stepsons mother rightly so raised concerns. This I totally understood! She refused to let her child be around me during this time as the risk I was bringing working with the virus everyday. Even my partner sure the rational factors in this and although it would break his heart to give up his 50% contact and sleep overs at our house he knew it was only temporary and for the best. Instead of hoping for the best and waiting for the pandemic to pass the ex wife went on full force abuse, writing Facebook status’s about me texting me during early hours of the morning demanding I left the property telling me I was splitting up a father and son with my selfish ways. I even considered leaving as she made me literally like the evil step mother as I know step son not seeing dad would upset him and being only 4 is level of understanding wouldn’t be great. The only other place I had to stay may I point out while inbetween working my 12 hour shifts at the hospital was with an elderly relative who has health conditions and in the “high risk” section of the UKs Covid scales. Surely I couldn’t risk taking this back to her either and potentially risking her life. My work place offered me a hotel to stay in and I did consider this but my partner refused to let me go as he didn’t want me going through my work days to then be locked ina room alone – it was just a basic bed shower sink situation. When all this was happening the UK was on full lockdown so I wouldn’t of been able to leave the room it was unclear how I would even eat there was no cooking facilities in this room. My partner stood by me for this I’ll be forever grateful as so many shifts I spent crying in cupboards being made me to feel I had no where to go or turn to and being some what selfish for my own mental health was putting a innocent child in the firing line.
Weeks later we have now had antibody tests and turns out we all had the virus me my partner and son before the UK went on lockdown as we all were unwell earlier on in the year. Not that this makes a difference I totally understand the mothers concerns there is surely no safer place for a child then with his mom. My partner visited his son through windows When lockdown raised and FaceTimed everyday even took him for bike rides and to feed ducks when we were aloud 1 hour exercise a day but even then the mom was sending abusive messages to my partner calling him a bad dad every other day. Demanding he chose between the 2 of us.
We now have the son back with us 50% as the UK has calmed down a lot and in all honestly think mom missed her free time and needed a break from a hyper 4 year old … but things ain’t the same i now have no contact with the mom and we don’t even exchange looks if I’m in the car when picking up son for the weekend I almost can’t forgive her and particularly blame the child
For what I’ve been put through during the hardest months of my career – rationally I know it’s not his fault but it’s not so easy to forgive and forget
What an exhausting ordeal! Thank you for your service during this pandemic. So sorry you were villainized for it in your stepfamily!