Being my husband’s second wife is more difficult than I thought it would be. Insecurities and jealousy surfaced that I never knew even existed. It felt like I was constantly faced with another reminder of the woman and the life that came before me.
I longed for a simpler marriage – one that wasn’t clouded with the baggage, turmoil, or residual drama of his first marriage and subsequent divorce. I found that I was caught lying to myself, making things harder on myself than they needed to be. I was so fearful of being a second wife, I tried to self-sabotage my relationship.
These are ten lies second wives tell themselves. But here’s the truth: you are worthy of love, happiness, and peace.
Stop Self-Sabotaging Your Marriage! Lies Second Wives Tell Themselves
1. He’ll never love me as much as he loved her.
That’s ridiculous. There’s a reason that he’s no longer with her.
Whether it was his choice or hers, he knows they’re not right for each other, and he wouldn’t have put himself in a position to potentially divorce again if you weren’t worth the risk.
2. Second wife means second choice.
That couldn’t be farther from the truth. Would you choose your husband over your exes? Of course you would!
Otherwise you wouldn’t have settled down forever with him, his children, and the ex-wife still in the mix. If he isn’t your second choice, why would you think you’re his second choice?
3. Because she called it off, he must not be capable of loving me.
If she called it off, she hurt him. It may have been emotionally difficult for him to move forward with his life, but he wouldn’t have married you if he wasn’t absolutely serious about a life with you.
He’s proven he’s capable of loving you, so let him!
4. He’s comparing me to her.
I’ve told myself this lie more times than I can even count. It’s just that: a lie. He is not comparing you. She’s not comparing you. YOU are the only one making comparisons, and you need to stop!
It will only make you feel worse; it’ll never make you feel better, even if you find you have the upper hand on a given category. Seriously. Stop it.
5. I don’t cook/clean/parent/tell jokes/etc. as well as she does.
I’ve done this one, too. My husband’s ex-wife stayed at home, and she cooked homemade meals. Did I mention she also went to the trouble to cook vegan, healthy meals? She also worked out and kept the house clean. I drove myself absolutely wild trying to keep up with the competition, when one day I realized I was the only one running.
Truthful or straight-up lie, I don’t care if you cook/clean/parent/tell jokes/etc. worse than his ex-wife. I just care that you’re making the comparison.
6. His family will never accept me the way they did her.
And our lie detector test says… that’s a lie! It may take your in-laws a little adjustment period – she was in their lives for an extended period of time! She gave them their grandchildren. But you will be welcomed into the family too, just give it time.
7. I can’t show weakness.
Listen up. This one’s important. You do not have to be superwoman. Now, I’ll admit I’m the proud owner of a Super Mom, Super Wife, Super Tired shirt, but that’s just a joke. None of us can (or should try to be!) superwoman.
It’s okay to show weakness. It’s okay to ask for help. No woman is an island, it takes a village, and other cliches. Got it? No one expects you to be everything to everyone.
8. I have to hate his first wife.
Wrong, wrong, WRONG! You don’t have to be best friends, but you absolutely do not have to hate his ex-wife. You’re certainly not always going to agree, but there’s no rule that says you need to hate the ex-wife.
9. He divorced her, so he’ll divorce me.
I’m guilty again here. My husband is no longer afraid of divorce; he knows exactly what to expect from a divorce. So that’s a little terrifying for me. But 1 divorce doesn’t mean 2 divorces – what kind of logic is that?!
As I mentioned earlier, he wouldn’t have married you if he thought you’d get divorced. He doesn’t want to go through the emotional (or financial) distress of divorce again; there’s no reason he’d be interested in another divorce.
10. Life would have been easier if he’d never been married before me (or if she wasn’t still in the picture).
I understand where you’re coming from, but your logic is flawed. The man you married – the man you love – is different from the man she married all those years ago.
He has grown up since then, and he’s lived through so much since then – the birth of his child, his divorce, single parenthood. The man you married wouldn’t be who he is today without those experiences. They shaped him into the love of your life, so don’t wish those away!
Stop telling yourself these detrimental lies. You are absolutely worthy of his love and affection, and you are his first choice.
You didn’t marry him first, but you are absolutely his first pick today and forevermore.
P.S. Trust me, I get it. I had a lot of doubts to overcome as my husband’s second wife.
10 thoughts on “Stop Self-Sabotaging Your Marriage! Lies Second Wives Tell Themselves”
I have been married now for a year and have been in the relationship for 5 years. It has been awesome as far as loving each other, but has been pure hell dealing with the ex. She is jealous and manipulative. She has encouraged the children to hate me and has succeeded with the oldest. She has not been to our house in a year. She is 14 and says that her father has changed, but it’s all the lies that her mother has told them. She actually told them that she and their father would still be together if he had not remarried. How do you over come when you’ve done nothing but be the best you can be? In the beginning I tried extremely hard to co-parent with her. I fixed her a birthday dinner and threw her a party, all the while my husband was shocked by my generosity. I’m at a loss with how to handle any of it anymore. I’m torn to pieces.
Your story sounds exactly like my life. I have a husband that had 3 kids then divorced and it was ugly. We have a wonderful marriage and are very happy but she has turned his kids against him too due to her jealousy and narcissism. His oldest is 13 and doesn’t ever come over anymore. She cries and pitches fits anytime he tries to get her to come over. She just wants her mommy she says. It’s torn him to pieces. What I have been doing to get through it all is focus on my own happiness and I take care of my husband. We are doing us. Our lives can’t be ruled by someone he chose to divorce. Especially when she deliberately tries to hurt us. Just live your lives the way you want to and be good to the kids and parent the way you both want it done. Focus on making each other happy and taking care of each other. I know it’s hard not to let her mean ways hurt you, but you’ve got to for your sanity. It’s all mental. Just tell yourself she doesn’t exist. You are happy with the man of your dreams. Enjoy life and don’t let her negativity bring you down. She’s not worth the tears. Trust me.
Thank goodness I didn’t tell myself any of these lies. Still there were so many problems, but we made it through happy and whole. Good article. I’m sure lots of women tell themselves a few if these.
I’ve told myself some of these and I do find the one where if he hadn’t went through all the baggage from the past it would be a lot easier. He actually agrees with that as well when I’ve told him that before. There’s one thing I also keep telling myself and that is that he wont be as excited to have an ‘ours’ baby as much as he had his first born and became a father for the first time and already had all the fun family experiences with her. Makes me feel sad every time I think of that.
So many women get caught in the same mind trap, but it will still be special! He will be SO EXCITED to have a baby with YOU! You make it exciting!
Am a girl of eighteen years old.am currently dating a man of 34 years old.i love him so much and so does he.he’s married with 2kidz but things never worked for both of them even though they are not divorced yet.he wants to take me in as his second wife.now I’m feeling guilty of cheating with him on his wife and have tried so many times to break off but it just doesn’t seem to be working.we’re currently one year old in our relationship.pls I need advice.
If he won’t commit to you, you should break it off for good and find someone who will devote all of their time and affection to only you. You deserve that, sweet friend!
I tell myself all of these things…and it’s so incredibly hard to believe they’re not true. We’ve been married three years, and it’s not getting any easier.
It’s important to talk to your partner and to do things to build up your own confidence. The more you believe in yourself and the more confidence you have in your relationship, the faster those insecurities will fade from your reality.
Me and my boyfriend are not married yet. We have been dating a year now and we talk about marriage often. We are 14 years apart and sometimes that makes it hard. Especially with me comparing myself to his youngest’s mom. I deal with TWO mom’s not just one. He is very different with her and I cry many times about the feeling I have of him wanting to be with her still and she not feeling the same way. a lot of times I feel like I am just filling her void in his life. I allow these feelings to sometimes rub off on the kid because she acts like her mom sometimes and it makes me feel worse. he tries to reassure me that he doesn’t want to be with her but it doesn’t help me and my heart much because I have convinced myself that he wishes to be with her so much. I see a therapist weekly, we have talked about this, I have turned to my religion for this, nothing seems to ease my mind and heart. I need help from fellow stepmamas.