If you’re in a new relationship and dating someone with kids, and you find yourself wondering how to tell the difference between red flags when dating someone with kids versus normal blended family complications, welcome! You’re in the right place!
Today, I am going to dive into some of the potential red and yellow flags when you are dating someone with kids!
This was inspired because I had a very new stepmom who came to me a few weeks ago. She said, “listen, I have been dating this guy a handful of days, and I like him, but I am concerned about falling headfirst into this and not knowing the red flags to look out for.”
I thought it was the most fun conversation that I have had with a stepmom in a very long time! I even created a custom download to help you decide if what you’re experiencing is a red flag. Let’s get into it!
Red Flag Number 1
My number on the list of red flags when dating someone with kids is that they are not yet divorced.
I get it. Divorce can take a long time! Especially if there are complicated assets they’re having to divide up or if they live in a place where the court docket is full and they’re having a difficult time getting the paperwork through. I understand all of these things! In my husband’s case, he had a six month separation that had to happen before the divorce could be finalized. There are any number of reasons why the divorce may not actually be finalized. They are not all cause for concern.
However, if those papers have not yet been signed, there is potential for some sort of drama. There is going to be more communication with the ex, or at least more communication with a lawyer. There’s going to continue to be money going out to fund this divorce. That may not impact you, but it could. Divorces can last years. I have seen it go on for years and years and years, I have seen other parents drag things on and continue to hold on to their ex partner for the purpose of co parenting. But it greatly disturbs the ability for a stepmom to come into the picture and to create a new family unit.
If your partner is not yet divorced, I want you to get a firm timeline of what that looks like. How far into the process are they? Are they on a final revision? Are they not yet through a first draft of a co-parenting plan or custody agreement? Get an idea of what this process has already looked like. How accommodating has the other parent been, how confident in their lawyer and their representation do they feel? Get a good idea for how much more of this process they have and how conflict ridden this process is going to be.
Red Flag Number 2
My second red flag when dating someone with kids – if there are little to no boundaries with the other parent.
Are they still celebrating holidays and birthdays together? Are they going on vacations together? Are there certain things that your partner cannot do with their children alone, because the ex needs to be part of it? I once had a coaching client who came to me with the concern that her partner went to the other parent’s house every single day to read a bedtime story with their son. Every single night, her partner left her to go read a bedtime story with their son. This is a boundary that absolutely needs to be set in order for you to have the relationship and the family unit that you deserve.
Your partner doesn’t still need to be you their ex’s emergency contact, doesn’t still need to be their ex’s maintenance person, doesn’t need to be their emotional support or their life insurance beneficiary.
Your partner needs to be your partner. And if there are blurred or no boundaries with the ex, this is a big red flag for me. You deserve a partner who is going to be your partner, not a partner who is kind of your partner and kind of their exes partner still.
Red Flag Number 3
The third red flag that I have for you today is if there is no custody agreement or parenting plan in place.
Having a parenting plan in place is a structure that protects everyone, including you. It protects the children. It protects your partner, and it especially protects you as the stepmom. Because the ex can’t use anything as leverage. They can’t withhold custody time. They can’t ask your partner to pay for something unfairly or a disproportionate amount. This is always going to come back to boundaries for me, and I want you to make sure that you are protected. I want you to make sure that your partner is protected. And I don’t want you, as you’re developing this new, beautiful relationship, to have any of that tainted by the other parent. I don’t want them to have any wiggle room for making your life more complicated, because becoming a stepmom is going to be challenging. Even without any of these red flags, it is going to be challenging. You don’t need anything extra making it more difficult.
So if your partner doesn’t have a parenting plan, ask them what’s in writing somewhere? Do they have a plan to get it in writing and to get it certified? How can we make this legit, so that your partner doesn’t have any sort of room for the ex to come in and say they’ve changed their mind about custodial time, or who pays for what. That may not happen. I’m going worst case scenario here, but I am not totally out of line. I see this happen.
These red flags are based on actual clients that I have had, and I’ve seen this multiple times. This isn’t just a one off. This is something that I have seen over and over, and it has caused my stepmom clients strife. I don’t want that for you.
Red Flag Number 4
Red flag number four – your partner wants you to step up because their child’s other parent didn’t, hasn’t or can’t.
A stepmom will never be able to replace or compensate for an absent or lacking, original parent. If your partner is expecting you to step up and be the replacement for their other parent, then they are setting you up to fail. A step parent fills a unique space in a child’s life, and they cannot make up for or take anyone else’s place. I need you to recognize the unrealistic expectation here. The expectation should not be that you step up and you become that mom figure. You are stepping up to be a stepmom. You add a unique value. You fill a unique role. You cannot, and you should not want to be the same as the original parent. It will be impossible.
Your stepchildren have another parent, whether they are in their lives or not, whether they are living or not, that other parent exists in their hearts. You are not going to be able to fill that hole. You are not going to be able to take their place. If you try, you are setting yourself up for failure. If you try, you are likely setting yourself up for conflict with your stepchildren. I need you and your partner to both have very realistic expectations of what this is going to look like moving forward.
Red Flag Number 5
And the final of the red flags when dating someone with kids is if your partner is overly bitter about the divorce, custody, their ex, ect.
If your partner is complaining about their ex a disproportionate amount of the time, especially if this is done in front of or directly to their children, this is absolutely a red flag. Until your partner has truly processed their emotions and their feelings have healed around what has happened, then they are not yet ready for a healthy relationship, fulfilling, happy relationship with you. You deserve a partner who is fully present, engaged and focused on you. If your partner is still focused backward on their ex, still focused on trying to get revenge, still focused on trying to prove that they’re better than the ex, then your partner is not focused forward on a relationship with you.
I need you to recognize that this is a major red flag. You need to pay close attention if your partner is overly bitter. Now, I fully recognize their ex may be a piece of work, but them being overly focused on that person prevents them from being focused on you, and you deserve a partner who is focused on you.
So that’s it! Those are my five main red flags when dating someone with kids. But I have created a Cosmo style quiz with all nine red flags and four yellow flags.
How many of these apply to you? Is your partner where you want them to be? They may not be ready now. They may be ready in a year. Are you willing to wait? What does that look like? I want you to have a happy, fulfilling relationship. I want you to have a healthy relationship. Being in a blended family can be immensely fulfilling when it’s done right. But if your partner’s not ready, or if some of these logistical things are not there yet, I want you to be protected. I want you to have boundaries that are in place. I want you to have the structure in place. I want you to have a partner who is emotionally available and ready. You deserve that. These are the things that we need to have a happy, healthy, fulfilling relationship and a happy, healthy, fulfilling blended family life. It’s totally possible. It’s probably going to be kind of challenging. Stepmomming is not easy, but it is worth it when it’s done right.
If you need more help with what may or may not be a red flag when dating someone with kids, let’s talk! I would love to work with you personally to help you find more peace and happiness in your blended family. You deserve a stepmom life you love!
P.S. If you’re still in the thick of the holiday season, this might just be the permission you’ve been waiting on…
