What if I don’t want an “Ours Baby?”

This is a question I have been asking myself for the last year or so after years of infertility and even a miscarriage. I question if I am healthy enough to have a child and even more so how would a child change my whole world, especially being a stepmother to an almost teenager already.

This topic is one I know comes up often in our community. I thought I would address it, at least from my point of view. I know every situation is different; this just happens to be my experience.

What if I Don’t Want an “Ours Baby?”

My Story

I am a stepmother to a wonderful almost 12-year-old boy. He is pretty awesome most of the time, when he wants to be. He lives in New York City, NY, while my husband and I live in Dallas, TX.

I love getting to be his stepmom. I was a child of divorced parents and my relationship with my stepdad was rocky at best. I make sure that we create as many memories as we can when we get to have him. We fly a lot back and forth to make sure that happens.

He is even at the stage almost where he can fly on his own without fear. I can’t wait for that day to come. His independence is one of the things I love most about this stage in life.

I came into his life when he was 5 years old. His father hadn’t been able to maintain a great relationship with him in the beginning after he moved from the city. I was a catalyst for making sure my stepson knew he was loved and was supportive as my husband made the long flights back east any chance he could.

Having an Ours Baby

I thought in the beginning, I would do anything to have a child with my husband. I wanted to be able to do the one thing that tied my husband to his ex. I wanted us to be a real family instead of a girl he got pregnant.

I emotionally was wrecked when it didn’t happen for the first couple of years. You see, my husband is tall, like really tall. He is 7 feet tall and people all the time ask me if we have kids. I don’t know why they ask. It’s almost like they are waiting for me to say we have a future NBA star on our hands.

For the longest time, I didn’t know how to respond. I felt like I was claiming a right of passage that wasn’t mine if I said we did, but if I said we didn’t, I would get super sad. I even fought with this idea of maybe I wouldn’t be a good enough mother.

I threw myself into work, and that made more sense at the time. I didn’t give myself a chance to be sorry for what wasn’t happening that I wanted so badly. Five years went by, and I started having panic attacks every time I thought my period was late.

It became this endless cycle of being disappointed every month.

After facing stepmom infertility, what if I don't want an ours baby? I'm a childless stepmom by choice! #oursbaby #stepmomproblems #stepmomlife #stepmom

Making A Conscious Decision

My husband started to see how depressed I became when my period arrived. We talked about being more aggressive with fertility treatments, but then I had a serious conversation with my doctor about a health concern that would harm not only my baby but could kill me as well.

I have a severe blood clotting disorder that could be potentially fatal if I am not monitored closely my entire pregnancy. While thankfully I have never had a clot, my mother started getting clots 6 weeks after I was born. My doctor fears the same thing could happen to me.

We had to have a real conversation. Did I really want to be a mother that bad that I would risk putting my health in danger and potentially the rest of my life? Did I want to continue the cycle of disappointment every month when we were unsuccessful at getting pregnant?

For me, I found I am okay with only ever being some awesome kid’s stepmom. I hope he knows how lucky he is that he gets all of my attention. Maybe later on in life when he makes me a grandma I will get a chance to spoil those kids.

But for now, he is enough. I know that I am here to support and love him no matter what even if that means I don’t get to be someone’s “real” mom.

PS: You’d probably also like Why Being a Stepmom Makes Me Terrified of Having My Own.

2 Responses

  1. NOele

    As a divorced mother I was interested in learning more about the step parent role. My situation is my son and I live 3000 miles from my ex. A couple months after separating my ex moved his 17 year old girlfriend in. He was 48. I was 46 and my son was 6 months old. I have always been primary caregiver and now in our circumstance my ex and his child bride (they consider themselves common law married) keep telling my son she is his step mother. I take a great offense at this. She’s 16 years older than my son so she would of been a child getting pregnant. Since I have no idea if they are actually married I don’t think I need to reference her as anything but his fathers girlfriend. However they tell my son she is also his mom. They see him maybe 2 times a year for between 2-4 week. My ex claims poverty (he works for himself in a 3rd world country) so he doesn’t even pay asccesseble suppprt. Any advice for your perspective?

    Reply
    • Ashley

      Hey, Noele! My best advice would be to not worry about what your ex wants your child to call his significant other. He can prompt the child with “she is your stepmom” all he wants, but at the end of the day, it should be up to the child to determine his relationship with her, and to decide how he refers to her. If your ex is pressuring him to call her “stepmom,” that’s an issue, but not one you can control from your home. All you can control is yourself. Don’t pressure your son either way. Just let him develop his natural relationship with her, and define it on his own. <3

      Reply

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